Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
