Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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