I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
