a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
