Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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