i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
