She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
