wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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