My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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