I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
