just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
