Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
