she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
