My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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