Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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