Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
