The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
