it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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