We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
