You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
