you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
