I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
