My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I need to calm my uterus...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
