Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
