Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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