mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
