im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
