I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
