Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
