I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
