i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
