Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
