I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
