my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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