it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
