when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
