So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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