I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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