Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
