How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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