"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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