Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
