Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
