I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
