no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
