No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
