Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
