i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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