you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
