u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Randomize
