no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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