I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
