I need help removing her.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
