I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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