your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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