I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
