I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
