I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
